On Being Bold

The other day, I told someone they were being a dick. I said it to their face. And I don't regret it. It felt both exhilarating and uncomfortable. I was both pleased with myself for confronting them with my feelings and appalled by my insensitivity. I then proceeded to spend hours questioning whether I did the right thing or something wrong. What I could have done better? Who I should I apologize to? And whether or not I'd do it again because that really determined whether or not I should take the whole thing back.

In the end, I told myself to stop sulking, pick up a book, and get over it. It happened. Although I approached it poorly, I would not be apologizing for WHAT I said. But if it came up I would apologize for doing it in front of others. That was rude of me. But I wasn't going to let their douchebaggery continue in front of me. I just couldn't stand by watching it any longer. I had had enough. And I wasn't going to take that kind of crap in the future either. I demand more respect than that. And I expect more from my friends. And if I didn't consider you a friend, I wouldn't have wasted my time telling you that you were acting like I douche bag--I'd just ignore you till you went away. I don't waste my breath on people I don't deem worth it.

Why am I talking about all this? I grew up around passive aggressive behavior. My household was full of little jabs that aren't outright directed at anyone most of the time, but it made others feel like shit without the outlet to fight back because of the indirect nature of the comments. I picked up this type of behavior too. It's very easy to pick up and almost impossible to get rid of. I've been aware of it for about 10 years now. I'm still trying to learn how to be assertive and lose the snide remarks when I'm grouchy.

Now, swinging the other way is so hard, that we often over shoot our goal with the sheer force we use wrenching ourselves out of the ditch we were trapped in. In this case, I over shot my goal of assertiveness to the point of being confrontational. Definitely not my goal, but I still count it as moving forward. Here's why:

When my husband and I started dating, I told him if had relationships fail due to lack of communication on my part--I tended to want to run and hide instead of talk about my feelings. (I was already doing phenomenal just by telling him this and it was only because I was working on changing this about my personality that I was able to share it.)

So we decided that it would be better to be confrontational with each other--if we could find no other way to express ourselves--than to say nothing and not communicate altogether. It was never our goal, but it was still better to yell at each other once I. A while than to risk losing each other due to never talking about our feelings. (And that happens far more often than you might realize. Whole marriages end because one or more parties chose to stop talking about their problems with each other.)

So it is with this attitude that I now approach any relationship I value. Is this a good plan? Probably not. But I know what it's like to live as a "people pleaser." I know what it's like to be unhappy all the time because I never stood up for myself. And I know what it's like to regret never speaking your mind.

After years of weighing the balance, the scale tips in favor of truthful over like-able every time. I'd rather someone hate me for who I am (someone who is a little abrasive), then like me for someone I'm not. Trying to be like-able to everyone you meet is a losing battle and one that I don't have time for. Life is too damn short.

I guess I'm also saying, if you've ever known me long enough (say maybe a couple of years), you know I step on toes every once in a while. And you know I'm not nice about it. But you know that I love you. Because we wouldn't still be talking and sharing our thoughts together if I was afraid of what you'd think of me. <3