The other day, I told someone they were being a dick. I
said it to their face. And I don't regret it. It felt both exhilarating and
uncomfortable. I was both pleased with myself for confronting them with my
feelings and appalled by my insensitivity. I then proceeded to spend hours
questioning whether I did the right thing or something wrong. What I could have
done better? Who I should I apologize to? And whether or not I'd do it again
because that really determined whether or not I should take the whole thing
back.
In the end, I told myself to stop sulking, pick up a
book, and get over it. It happened. Although I approached it poorly, I would
not be apologizing for WHAT I said. But if it came up I would apologize for
doing it in front of others. That was rude of me. But I wasn't going to let
their douchebaggery continue in front of me. I just couldn't stand by watching
it any longer. I had had enough. And I wasn't going to take that kind of crap
in the future either. I demand more respect than that. And I expect more from
my friends. And if I didn't consider you a friend, I wouldn't have wasted my
time telling you that you were acting like I douche bag--I'd just ignore you
till you went away. I don't waste my breath on people I don't deem worth it.
Why am I talking about all this? I grew up around passive
aggressive behavior. My household was full of little jabs that aren't outright
directed at anyone most of the time, but it made others feel like shit without
the outlet to fight back because of the indirect nature of the comments. I
picked up this type of behavior too. It's very easy to pick up and almost
impossible to get rid of. I've been aware of it for about 10 years now. I'm
still trying to learn how to be assertive and lose the snide remarks when I'm
grouchy.
Now, swinging the other way is so hard, that we often
over shoot our goal with the sheer force we use wrenching ourselves out of the
ditch we were trapped in. In this case, I over shot my goal of assertiveness to
the point of being confrontational. Definitely not my goal, but I still count
it as moving forward. Here's why:
When my husband and I started dating, I told him if had
relationships fail due to lack of communication on my part--I tended to want to
run and hide instead of talk about my feelings. (I was already doing phenomenal
just by telling him this and it was only because I was working on changing this
about my personality that I was able to share it.)
So we decided that it would be better to be
confrontational with each other--if we could find no other way to express
ourselves--than to say nothing and not communicate altogether. It was never our
goal, but it was still better to yell at each other once I. A while than
to risk losing each other due to never talking about our feelings. (And that
happens far more often than you might realize. Whole marriages end because one
or more parties chose to stop talking about their problems with each other.)
So it is with this attitude that I now approach any
relationship I value. Is this a good plan? Probably not. But I know what it's
like to live as a "people pleaser." I know what it's like to be
unhappy all the time because I never stood up for myself. And I know what it's
like to regret never speaking your mind.
After years of weighing the balance, the scale tips in
favor of truthful over like-able every time. I'd rather someone hate me for who
I am (someone who is a little abrasive), then like me for someone I'm not.
Trying to be like-able to everyone you meet is a losing battle and one that I
don't have time for. Life is too damn short.
I guess I'm also saying, if you've ever known me long
enough (say maybe a couple of years), you know I step on toes every once in a
while. And you know I'm not nice about it. But you know that I love you.
Because we wouldn't still be talking and sharing our thoughts together if I was
afraid of what you'd think of me. <3
